I do indeed feel attracted to divine pastimes, but I'm not sure that I have the 'right' attraction. There is a sense of sweetness but there is also some embarrassment, 'ought I to be reading this?' Does this mean that I have some underlying belief that the Lord's pastimes are mundane?
Is there some special sense of the word 'inclination' or attraction being used here? A higher sense?
A related question: What if one has a generalised attraction to the sweetness of the Lila, but no attraction to participate in a particular way (yet)?
The "real" attraction is attraction which exists when a sadhaka having a particular mood towards the Lord feels how the narrative nourishes his mood, and is therefore attracted.
Sthayi-bhava is described to be of three kinds: 1. Samanya-rupa -- general emotion which exists without being directed towards any of the five main emotions; 2. Svaccha-rupa -- emotion influenced by others' emotions; 3. Santyadi panca-vidha-rupa -- one of the five emotions beginning with santa.
1. The first category of sthayi-bhava or a semblance thereof exists within the heart of one who has not been in contact with devotees established in a specific sthayi-bhava, one of the five primary emotions.
2. The second category of sthayi-bhava or a semblance thereof exists within the heart of the devotee whose emotions change depending on his association with devotees established in one of the five primary emotions.
3. The third category of sthayi-bhava or a semblance thereof exists within the heart of the devotee who is firmly fixed in one of the five primary emotions, and whose affection does not change.
Lobha, or eagerness for obtaining a particular kind of emotion, is awakened by the causeless grace of a devotee or that of Sri Bhagavan Himself. Therefore we are adviced to associate with devotees who are established in a particular mood and hear descriptions saturated with their cherished feelings from their lotus mouths, as well as to study writings which contain descriptions of the Lord's pastimes, praying to the Lord within the heart to awaken our attraction towards Him.
In regards to the appropriety of any particular matter of contemplation for the sadhaka, it is much up to oneself to discern what is good for him and what is not, and what is too intimate for him and what is not. However, a general guideline is given in Jiva Gosvami's Bhakti-sandarbha (Anuccheda 338):
atha gokule’pi zrImad-vraja-vadhU-sahita-rAsAdi-lIlAtmakasya parama-vaiziSTyam Aha –
vikrIDitaM vraja-vadhUbhir idaM ca viSNoH
zraddhAnvito yaH zRNuyAd atha varNayed vA |
bhaktiM parAM bhagavati parilabhya kAmaM
hRd-rogam Azv apahinoty acireNa dhIraH || [BhP 10.33.39]
ca-kArAd anyac ca | atheti vAtha | zRNuyAd vA varNayed vA | upalakSaNaM caitad dhyAnAdeH | parAM yataH parA nAnyA kutracid vidyate tAdRzIm | hRd-rogaM kAmAdikam api zIghram eva tyajati | atra sAmAnyato’pi paramatva-siddhes tatrApi parama-zreSTha-zrI-rAdhA-saMvalita-lIlA-maya-tad-bhajanaM tu paramatamam eveti svataH sidhyati | kintu rahasya-lIlA tu pauruSa-vikAravad indriyaiH pitR-putra-dAsa-bhAvaiz ca nopAsyA svIya-bhAva-virodhAt | rahasyatvaM ca tasyAH kvacid alpAMzena kvacit tu sarvAMzeneti jJeyam |
The supremely excellent nature of the pastimes in Gokula in the association of the beautiful maidens of Vraja, such as the rasa-lila, is confirmed:
“One who faithfully hears or describes the loving sports of Sri Krishna and the young maidens of Vraja will quickly drive away the heart-disease of lust, become sober, and attain supramundane devotion of the Lord.” [BhP 10.33.39]
The word “ca” means “others” and “atha” means “or”. Thus “hearing” or “describing”. One meditates etc. on the Lord’s features. “Param” means “there is no such thing anywhere superior to these pastimes”. One very quickly gives up the heart-disease of lust and so on. Here the superiority is established in general. The most perfect of all is the worship of the sports ornamented with His dearmost Sri Radha. This is self-evident. However, these secret sports are not to be worshiped by those who experience human transformations in their senses, or by those who are in the moods of father, son and servant, for it would be contrary to their moods. Confidentiality is understood according to the partial touching or complete touching of limbs.
Thus one may observe what is fit for oneself. It is best to select pastimes with which one feels comfortable, and to avoid those which cause worldly sexual transformations to appear within either one's body or one's mind.