Please Make Me Worthy - From BTSwami

Posted Dec. 10, 2004

Dear Maharajas and Other Devotees,

Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to ISKCON founder-acarya Srila Prabhupada!

By now you have heard that I had to go back into the hospital. During my stay there, I received two blood transfusions and a series of additional tests. The sonogram and catscans gave us information of what is directly going on with the cancer. The other tests were to find out why I am always extremely tired and having constant breathing problems. I seem to be always gasping for breath, even when I brush my teeth or shave. The foot is still swelling. Actually I am unable to walk due to pain in the foot and the breathing problem.

Of course the good thing is that the cancer that was in the liver when I arrived in Mexico has disappeared from doing the alternative treatments. The cancer that was suspected to be in the lungs was also negative from the test results. However, we are now back to the original problem—heavy concentration of melanoma in the foot and nymphs in the groin.

Our present plan is for me to get stronger, to build up my immune system in preparation for amputation of the leg, although there is still a 50-percent possibility that the cancer can still spread. However, if I am to stay in this body, then I will have the amputation close to the knee.

Of course in these last two days a miracle can happen. At the same time, I am seeing that some miracles have already happened. For example, the cancer did not spread to other parts of the body, and the fact that Srila Prabhupada and Krsna sent so many caring doctors and nurses that went out of their way to assist me.

An even greater miracle is the large number of devotees around the world that have been praying for me and sending their love. I am so fortunate: I am constantly feeling the love from the Vaisnava community. I am sure I will still find a way to dance if the operation is successful. I will get a flamboyant prosthesis that will have mystical powers. (smile)

My constant mantra now is: "I am blessed by the best and praying to Srila Prabhupada and Krsna that I pass all the tests."

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I do have a more conditional prayer that is posted in my bathrooms in Maryland and Gita Nagari. I would like to share this prayer with all of you (at the bottom). This prayer is in no way as simple as the prayer I offered to Srila Prabhupada and Krsna asking Them to let me experience whatever I need to experience to become a better servant of Theirs and the Vaisnavas.

Yours in service to Srila Prabhupada,

With love,

B.T. Swami

P.S. A couple days ago, I was still thinking that I would simply go to Mayapura and fast to make a quick transition from the body, but I realized this would be imposing my own will on Krsna's plan. With so much suffering from the body, it is easy to get excited with the opportunity to get out of the body.

Daily Prayers

My dear Lord Syama, please kindly hear my cry. Grant my devotional desires and eliminate my undevotional desires. I am your instrument: please make me worthy enough to serve You in all circumstances.

May the Lord, who is known as Maniman, protect my thighs. Protect them from evil, from Maya, and give them protection so that the mind does not allow them to be a source of captivating the opposite sex.

May Lord Visnu, who is known as Yajna, protect my legs. Let my legs do only duties that are meant for Your glorification and for the glorification of Srila Prabhupada. Dear Sweet Lord, please direct them in auspicious directions.

May Lord Acyuta protect my arms. Use them only for Your divine service and nothing more. Dear Lord, please protect them from all unnecessary and inauspicious activities.

May Lord Hayagriva protect my abdomen. Dear Lord let it be used for eating only things offered at Your Lotus Feet and please protect whatever I take into it. Allow me to eat only things that can sustain me to serve You more and serve You better.

May Lord Kesava protect my heart. Please Lord, make my heart an eternal dwelling place of the Sweet Love of the Divine Couple. Please make my heart an abode of surrender, humility, dedication, and selflessness. Make my heart grow only in love of Your Supreme Majesty and allow Your pastimes to eternally remain blissful in my heart.

May Lord Isvara protect my head. May He only allow me to use my head in working for His glorification. Bless this lowborn head of mine and give me knowledge of how to serve and please You better.

May Lord Cakradhara protect my front and may Lord Gadadhara protect my back. More at this time of chaos and problems in the movement. Please dear Lord, kindly protect me from all material influences from any direction. Protect me with Your love and Divine Strength.

May Lord Visnu, with His conchshell, protect my left side. May the Supreme Godhead Upendra protect me from above and may Lord Tarksya protect me from below the Earth. May Lord Haladhara protect me from all sides.

May Lord Madhusudana, who carries a bow in His hand, protect my eyesight. The eyes are the major object of false gratification—a quick route to hell. Please dear Lord, kindly guide my vision. Protect my eyes from Maya, and please protect them from the scenes that can pollute my mind and make it go crazy. Please put them under Your full protection and divine control.

May the Supreme Lord, in His Hrsikesa form, protect all my senses. May He engage all my senses only in service. Protect them from all contamination and entangling pleasures. Let them be used only to please You. Tie them against any material nonsense and release them only when they are to serve You.

May Lord Narayana protect my breath. May He encourage me to only use my breath for appreciating things offered at Your Divine Feet.

May Lord Yogesvara, in His divine mystic potentiality, protect my mind and intelligence. This is the greatest of all senses. Please dear Lord, control this rascal entity and make it a place where only Your pastimes are being relished and appreciated. Dear Lord, close up all false entrances of my mind. Cleanse it of all inauspicious thoughts and always check any such thoughts, as I am a fool who does not know how auspicious and purifying it is to meditate on Your Divine Form.

Dear Lord Krishna, please protect my soul. While sleeping, may Lord Madhava protect me from all dangers and may the Supreme Personality of Godhead, in His Nrshma form, protect me from all evils, all danger, all inauspiciousness, and all illusions.

Dear Lord, I humbly beg that You daily and eternally hear these, my prayers, and ultimately make me Your useful, dedicated, eternal servant and a devoted son of my beloved Spiritual Master, Om Visnupada Paramahamsa His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada. May His love be my source of inspiration and may I learn to eternally be a humble servant of my beloved spiritual master.

All glories to Srila Prabhupada

Wow.
I mean, whew! That gets ya right there, you know?

Exactly the dilemma I was mentioning in my end of life topic--when and how do you decide according to spiritual principles to say enough is enough and stop or refuse the extensive treatments available to Western medicine? If you are on machines or treatments of various kinds and the prognosis is that you can only gain a little time but will be more debilitated in terms of consciousness, or you can have a clearer mind and live a shorter time without them--which is best for our spiritual goal? If I have to make such decisions, I would genuinely appreciate a discussion on this topic to inform my decision. His point that suffering can influence your decision is a good one. Should it?